In Memory of Ian George Gray & Shane David Gray

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T02:09:00.004-06:00

Wishing you and yours a Happy New Year! May 2012 bring you all the happiness you desire!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T00:32:00.002-06:00

Well, here I am, 4 years since I held Shane as he left this world. The pain has dulled but I can tell that it will never go away. I still think about Ian and Shane every single day though the breakdowns of the past years are fewer. I still wish that they were here to celebrate with us.

Linda still has a hard time with celebrating Christmas. This year, I decided to add more outside decorations, in front and in the memorial garden. I also we picked up twin boy teddy bears to go with the family of bears (one for each of us) that we have in front of the faux fireplace that I made years ago. It all seems to help Linda get into better spirits.

Merry Christmas, Ian and Shane! Also, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Happy Birthday, Boys!

2011-12-10T14:52:00.001-06:00

Happy birthday, Ian and Shane. Wish you were here to celebrate with us.

Well, here we are another year later. The boys would have been 4 today. It does get easier but the pain never really goes away.

Fish Moved Back into Pond

2011-05-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Moved the fish back into the pond today, 35 in all. All survived inside from last year. Spent most of yesterday cleaning out a year's worth of fish poop and other assorted nasties out of the pond. Also, managed to get the pump working again.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T01:45:00.034-06:00

As I sit here in the middle of the most holy night of the year, I can't help but remember that it was this time, three years ago, that I held my son, Shane, as he took his last breath.

Merry Christmas to all! And, Merry Christmas to my boys, Ian and Shane!

Birthday Celebration

2010-12-10T19:41:00.000-06:00

So, we went ahead with the annual birthday celebration. We sang to the boys (with their teddy bear urns in attendance) and the girls blew out their candle. Gabriella broke into tears just as she blew out the candle. She calmed down quick but it just kind of hit her all of a sudden. Despite the breakdown, we all think that continuing this tradition, along with the memorial garden, has actually helped.

I know I have said it before but anyone who has lost a loved one, especially a child, don't try to forget. It doesn't work. Embrace the memories.

Happy Birthday, Boys!

2010-12-10T17:33:00.000-06:00

Well, the twins would have been 3 today. It's hard to believe that it's been three years already. We still miss them so much. This is a particularly tough time of year for us. I can't imagine that will change anytime soon. I wish I could write more but the words escape me.

Happy birthday, Shane & Ian! I love you, boys!

Goldfish back in the pond

2010-05-09T18:31:00.003-05:00

The goldfish are back in the pond after wintering in our basement.

Its amazing that the older ones are now around 6" long.

All were $0.27 feeder goldfish.

All survived the transition back into the pond this year which wasn't the case last year.

Pond Ready

2010-04-21T20:06:00.000-05:00

Spent most of the day cleaning out the pond in the boys' garden. Completely removed all the stones in the bottom of the pond and cleaned out the 2 years worth of fish poop. Get a new fountain and mister. The original ones died last summer. Added more stones around the pond. The stones were dug up back when the tree fell on my mom's house. I've just had them sitting around waiting to do something with them. Everything is greening up nicely in the garden.

In Honor of Good Friday...

2010-04-02T09:46:00.003-05:00

A little something special from Johnny Cash.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T00:00:00.001-06:00

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy new year!

Two Years Ago...

2009-12-25T00:45:00.003-06:00

At this time 2 years ago, I was at the hospital, taking my son, Shane, off life support. Obviously, just thinking about this sends my emotions on some kind of roller coaster ride from Hell.

Even after the 2 years, it all still seems like a bad dream. Like I should wake up and all will be right in my world. Unfortunately, I never do wake up from that nightmare. Obviously (and unfortunately), since I can still function day-to-day, I have grown accustomed to the nightmare.

Merry Christmas Ian and Shane! I love you and I will see you again some day.

Happy Birthday, Ian & Shane!

2009-12-10T13:31:00.004-06:00

We love you, boys, and we miss you! Happy Birthday!

The boys would have been 2 today. It just doesn't seem like its been two years already. There are a lot of emotions and tons of thoughts swirling around in my head but I can't seem to put them all together to write them down.

One thought that is always in the forefront of my mind is to try be a better person. Not that I've ever been a "bad person" but I find myself trying to be more charitable and helping. While doing so is rewarding in itself, I do have an ulterior motive, that is to make sure that I get to Heaven to see my boys. Sometimes, I wonder if that's really proper motivation. Then I think, why not? Why wouldn't that a good enough reason? While God knows our thoughts, our actions are what really define us. We can have the greatest thoughts but what's the use if we fail to act on them?

November 2009 Update

2009-11-29T13:22:00.029-06:00

Its been awhile so I thought I'd post some of the latest stuff going on around here.

First, I decorated the garden for Christmas. Just added some lights along the lattice on the fence. Thought the boys might like that. Also, earlier this month, we moved the fish inside. All of them are doing well and getting HUGE. Not bad for $0.27 a piece goldfish.

Linda is, noticeably, a bit depressed right now. I know its because of the time of year. The boys would have been 2 this year and that's a fun age for Christmas and birthdays, kind of the first time they really start to understand what's going on and get excited about it. I don't think I'm acting any differently (of course, maybe its just because no one's said anything) but its tough for me too. I keep trying to keep things normal for the girls. I feel bad for Isabella as her birthday is 3 days before the boys' and I think that overshadows it a bit. We'll, of course, as always, try to make it special for her. We'll also do a little something for the boys' birthday, just Linda, the girls and me, a little cake and sing to them, like we did last year.

Gabriella started her own online jewelry business (www.GabbysGroovyJewelry.com). She came to me one day and asked if she could do this and if I would create a website for her. Of course, I said yes. I also promised to "advertise" for her online wherever possible. She said that if any friends and family wished to order, don't order through PayPal, just email her at gabby@gabbysgroovyjewelry.com with what you want and you'll get $3 off every item and you can pay her when she delivers your order. Based on how things are going, I'm probably going to be working for her soon. ;-)

We also put up the Christmas decorations and the Nativity silhouette, that I made a few years ago, in front of the house. This year, I went with a LED spotlight to illuminate the Nativity silhouette. Went from a 75W incandenscent to 3.3W LED which brings up my next subject: energy savings.

This year, I have made a concerted effort to save energy (click on chart on left to view). Now, its not because I necessarily buy into man-made global warming. Mostly, I want to save money but I do think a cleaner planet is a good thing. To that end, I have replaced most of our compact fluorescent and incandescent bulbs with LED bulbs. They are a little pricey but are much safer (they do not heat up at all) and longer lasting (up to 10 years) than even the CFL bulbs and do not contain mercury. A 40 W incandescent is about equivilant to a 9W CFL which is about equivilent to a 1.6W LED. We went from about 800 Watts in lighting to about 50 Watts. I have experienced a lot of problems with CFL bulbs. A few times, they have exploded when I went to change them. They also heat up as much as incandescent bulbs. Also, they take a bit of time to get up to full brightness, especially when cold. LED bulbs don't have any of these problems and they don't have any of the fluorescent flicker. I estimate that the LED bulbs will pay for themselves in about a year and a half.

We also just replaced our 30+ year old freezer which looks to save us about 200kWh (about $23) per month and will pay for itself in under a year. I also just replaced the 50W halogen bulb in our Christmas tree with a 2.2W LED bulb. Once again, besides the savings, it makes the tree much safer as the bulb doesn't heat up like the halogen did. Just for reference, our artificial tree is lighted with fiber optics that are supplied from a single bulb under the base of the tree.

All said and done, we are down to about half of our previous year's electrical usage because of all these changes. I am still looking at further changes, like changing our attic fan to a solar version, but those will wait until spring.

Our thermostat is set at 65˚ for the winter. I'm waiting to see what that does to the natural gas bill.

I have also been experimenting with alternative energy. I have a small wind turbine (300W) and a small solar array (45W). They are interesting but I haven't quite figured out how I can make them pay off for me. They do charge up 2 deep cycle marine 12V batteries which I am currently using to power some LED Christmas lights, via an AC inverter, on our garden shed. Those LED Chistmas lights are only 2.2W so its not much of a power savings but at least its something. On a side note, if you are buying any new Christmas lights, seriously consider the LED ones. They use a lot less energy, run cool (so they're safer) and the bulbs will last a lot longer.

I have been able to learn a whole lot about some of the limits and issues on using these technologies. First, they are still a bit expensive so payback takes a long time, sometimes up to 20 years. Second, to actually use these to feed power into your home, you need a special power inverter. Since they generate DC power, the power must be converted to AC to use. Unfortunately, I found that a standard inverter, like the ones you can use in a car, cannot feed power into an active electrical grid. It burns up the inverter. Also, most inverters that allow you to feed the grid are expensive and do not operate during blackouts. There are inverters that can do both but they are extremely expensive. I figure what's the use of having alternative energy if you can't use it to power your home during a power outage? And until these technologies are more economical and pay for themselves within 5 years or less, I doubt we will see much of an explosion in home use.

I am considering using wind and solar to generate hydrogen and then figuring out what I can use that hydrogen for. My first thoughts are to try to replace the propane in my grill with hydrogen and convert my lawn mower from gas to hydrogen. If those work, I'm betting that I could use hydrogen to run my backup generator on hydrogen and experiment with using hydrogen instead of natural gas. It would probably still be too expensive to replace the natural gas usage in the house with hydrogen because I don't think I would be able to generate enough with my current turbine and solar array. That said, it would be interesting to know if it can be done, especially for when these technologies get less expensive.

Memorial Garden Update

2009-06-11T20:25:00.001-05:00

Well, everything is green and blooming nicely in the garden. The ground moss is starting to come back and fill in more of the bare areas.

The goldfish are back in the pond. We didn't lose any of them during their winter stay in our basement. Plus, we added 20 more new ones last week. Some of the original goldfish are huge now. Its hard to believe that they were the same size as the new ones a year ago. Haven't seen the raccoon that likes to try to eat the fish yet this year. I have a few surprises planned for him. Lets just say that if he insists on trying to eat the fish this summer, he's gonna end up as headgear.

We have some work to do on the bench. Some of the black paint peeled off during the winter. I need to refinish the name plaques as the supposed weatherproof finish didn't live up to its claim.

Couple of nice pictures

2009-06-04T19:09:00.000-05:00

Both of these were taken from our house looking across the street at the open field there.

Took this one the other day after the rain stopped.

This one was about 10 minutes ago. The young twin bucks were running around. I didn't notice the small antlers until I looked at the pictures.

Why Does God Allow Bad Things To Happen To Good People?

2009-05-14T01:11:00.000-05:00

Why Does God Allow Bad Things To Happen To Good People? - Right Wing News (Conservative News and Views): "These are difficult questions to grapple with for Christians because since God is omnipotent, He does have it within His power to make this a heaven on earth. Moreover, since God cares about us, why would He allow harm to come to us if He has it in his power to stop it? When God can change the world at His whim, why is His help usually so subtle?"

While Right Wing News is usually a source for conservative political commentary, this is a great commentary about God & faith.

She Dances With Angels

2009-04-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

BLOG.CATHRINEFEEHELY.COM: She Dances With Angels: "If one is to believe that we are not human beings seeking a spiritual experience but spiritual beings living the human experience, then we may be able to find our way to understand even when unable to accept, the time appointed journey of a loved one to go home."

While I don't often have the occasion to often link to other blogs, I meet Cathrine online via Twitter. And although, I haven't quite grasped the concept of Twitter, it did help lead me to this blog posting. If you suffer from the pain of a loss, click the link and read the rest of the story. Even if you don't, its worth reading. It made me cry (though I don't like admitting it) but it was comforting.

Power Line Down

2009-03-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

We had a little bit of excitement to end the day today. A power line went down 2 houses away from us. I'm sure it is related to the heavy snow that we got last night. Sorry about the shaky video. I was hanging onto fence to get the camera up over it to get the shot. And yes, all the noise was from the sparking power line.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T22:46:00.000-06:00

As I have been battling my kidney stones for the past couple of days and am not sure if I will be able to stay up to ring in the new year, I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy new year. May the 2009 year bring joy and peace throughout the world.

What is Faith? - Part II

2008-12-25T01:30:00.009-06:00

Interesting story. Gabriella takes ballet lessons. Last summer, she had a performance. All the dance school performed. One particular act, an older ballet class, did a dance to a pretty cool song. Not something that I have ever seen ballet performed to (not that I watch much ballet). Gabriella and I both thought that was very cool. I, of course, downloaded the song when we got home and we have since enjoyed it.

Tonight (well, this morning actually) I decided to listen to some music and threw that song into the my playlist. Being in the mood that I am, I finally had the chance to really listen to the words. This is how I felt when my sons died (and through much of the whole ordeal and after). Listen to it. Now, this is what faith means.

The band is BarlowGirl. The song is "Never Alone". Though I didn't know it until now, they are a Christian band. Here is the video for the song (I admit the video is a bit lame):

Here are the lyrics:

I waited for you today
But You didn't show
No.No.No.
I needed You today
So where did you go?

You told me to call
you said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.

And though I can not see You
and I can't explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

A Year Ago

2008-12-24T23:38:00.000-06:00

Well, here it is. A year ago, I was driving back to the hospital to take Shane off life support. On this holiest of nights, I am so very emotionally conflicted. I love to see the excitement of my daughters when they wake up Christmas morning but I can't help but vividly remember holding Shane as his tiny life slipped away. As I held him, I was similarly torn. I was so proud of my son but felt utterly helpless to save him. I am not sure if I will sleep at all tonight. I imagine I won't.

For some reason, I cannot string together any further thoughts to jot down. At that, I would like to wish everyone a very merry Christmas.

What is Faith?

2008-12-24T02:35:00.000-06:00

I don't remember what caused me to consider this question today. That said, I thought about it long and hard and when I found my answer, I needed to share.

Here's what faith means to me:

Faith is not about believing because you have been taught to.
Faith is not about strictly following religious dogma.
Faith is not about prayers or miracles.
Faith is about believing even after experiencing a devastating loss.

Now, as I still continue to struggle with the loss of our twin sons, I realize that I have not lost faith in God. What I find is that I seek to find the reason for our loss. That is not a loss of faith. That is a search for enlightenment.

Isabella's Angels

2008-12-23T23:51:00.003-06:00

Tonight, Linda and Isabella (our 3 yr old) were watching a Christmas show and Isabella noticed that there was an angel at the top of the Christmas tree (we have a star on our tree). She started to ask Linda about angels. Linda explained what angels were. Isabella told her that she had two angels watching over her, Shane and Ian.

Okay, now understand that Isabella does not fully understand that she has brothers and they are in Heaven. We talk about Shane and Ian but I can't imagine that she understands much of what we saying. She's 3. She can't possibly understand something as existential as death and afterlife.

That said, I do really believe that Shane and Ian might be watching over their sisters. Being this time of year, it does bring me some comfort.

Gabriella's Letter to Santa

2008-12-18T23:48:00.006-06:00

So, yesterday, Linda told me that she had read a letter that Gabriella had written to Santa. It was something that she did for school and it wasn't supposed to be read by us. Linda didn't know that since it was in her backpack with her homework. Well, anyways, the letter read something to the effect that all Gabriella wanted from Santa for Christmas was her brothers back. Of course, we talked to Gabriella and explained that wasn't something Santa could do but it was a good thing for her to ask for. She took it pretty well. Her Rainbows group at school, which helps kids deal with loss, has helped some too.

That said, it does make me sad to think that my little girl has to have such sorrow in her life. I find myself wishing that I could somehow travel back in time and save my boys. I know that's crazy but the effect that the loss of them has had on my family has been devastating. Even Isabella, who does not fully understand what happened, has to endure the brunt our sadness and anger at times. I feel that I have failed as a father and husband. I feel lost, like the path before me has been wiped clean. I have trouble focusing on things. Sleep comes hard if at all.

Now it's probably the time of year that is making this worse than normal. And I am not looking for pity, in fact, I want none. But what I feel the need to do is share these feelings. I need to share them so that others who have suffered loss understand that they are not alone. In that, I and maybe others, may find some solace.

Shane & Ian's Birthday

2008-12-10T01:54:00.003-06:00

Well, today would have been the boys' first birthday. We decided, with the girls' input, to go ahead and have a birthday celebration for the boys. Just the four of us. We'll sing to the boys' angel teddy bears and have a small cake.

We, especially Linda, have been particularly pained in the last few weeks. Its strange that Christmas no longer holds the joy that it once did. We'll somehow muddle through the holiday season for the sake of our girls.

Its also somewhat surreal to think of all we went through during this time a year ago. A lot of the feelings that I had then have been coming back strongly. Sorrow, anger, helplessness. I lament all the unfulfilled hopes and dreams we had for our beautiful sons.

To Shane & Ian,

Daddy loves you. I am proud to be you're father. Happy Birthday!

2008-09-06T22:53:00.005-05:00

On a very personal note, about a week ago, I was sleeping in the bottom bunk of our oldest daughter's (Gabriella) room the other night. The little one, Isabella, has moved to a toddler bed and often ends up in our bed. I was tired of fighting for room on the bed so moved into Gabriella's room for the night. I slept well. I had an extremely vivid dream, first of my maternal grandfather (who I was named after and died a long time ago). He said nothing to me but gave me a big hug and then turned to leave. I remember yelling to him to "send my boys down to see me". Shortly after he disappeared, two young, identical beautiful boys then ran up to me, jumping on me, one of them accidentally poking me in the eye. The kind of accidental injuries you get from small children. I remember actually feeling the poke in the eye. The boys were giggling and jumping on me like all little kids do to their fathers. I was awoken by something (don't remember just what) shortly after but what a great feeling it was. My eye actually hurt as if I had been poked in the eye. Now, you are free to believe whatever you want but I truly believe that I actually got visited by my grandfather and my sons. I just wish I knew how to replicate that dream every night, maybe without the poke in the eye though.

2008-07-22T09:36:00.001-05:00

I have finally taken this blog and edited it into book form. In the book, I have added further, reflective thoughts.

Paperback copies are available here: http://www.lulu.com/content/3216656

A 'Premium' full color hard cover version with an additional photo album is available here: http://www.lulu.com/content/3235035

I am very happy with both versions although self-publishing does make the cost per book a little higher than normal. The 'Premium' edition turned out absolutely beautiful.

For the cover art, I used a photograph that I took several years ago. It was a picture of a colorful sunset through a tree in our yard. Due to the fading light, the photo was blurred. The result was better than the original planned photo. I named it 'Tree On Fire' and had been looking for an appropriate use for it ever since.

2008-06-14T18:06:00.016-05:00

Well, a bit unrelated but sometime early Friday morning, a tree fell on my Mom's house. The picture of my brother Dave & I is from an article in the Chicago Tribune.

Luckily, my Mom was staying at my brother Dave's house in Naperville at the time. Additionally, the damage to the house was not extensive. (News story here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-chicago-weather-web-13-jun14,0,6702177.story)

Also, the bench in the memorial garden broke. That's what I get for going cheap on it. We have replaced it with a wrought iron bench and change the stone path slightly. I also made and mounted wooden plaques with the names Shane and Ian routed into them on the fence.

2008-05-26T23:11:00.040-05:00

As promised, here are the pictures. The entire garden first in both daytime and nighttime. I added a lamp post. Because of the camera flash, the picture doesn't do justice to how the garden really looks with the landscape lights and the lamp post.

A beautiful plaque with clematis on the lattice that hides the natural gas meter.

A wind chime that Gabriella and I built out of hardware supplies. This is a tribute to my Dad whose favorite store was, as most know, Home Depot. He also had a bit of an affinity for wind chimes.

Linda's Mary statue.

The 'twin' flower boxes that Linda planted. These are the only annuals in the garden.

Gabriella's twin cherubs statue. She picked this out herself and thought it looked like her brothers might have.

A cute 'Bless this garden' plaque.

The cross statue that I picked out.

The pond and sitting bench.

The lamp post that I added today. Being a bit of a night owl, I wanted to be able to enjoy the garden when I tend to need it the most, which is usually around 2 in the morning.

And finally, a few of the donated koi that now live in our pond. They and the goldfish appear to be getting along just fine.

2008-05-25T20:28:00.002-05:00

What a wonderful ceremony and ceremonial planting! The garden looks wonderful. Thank you all so very much for helping us make this happen.

While the pain of our loss will never completely go away, I do believe that the process of building this garden has helped us alot and I expect that our being able to spend some quiet time enjoying it will further help.

Due to the fading light be the time all the planting was done, I was only able to get a wide shot of the garden. I will take some more, with some close-ups, weather permitting, tomorrow and post shortly after.

Again, thank you all so very much!

2008-05-19T19:29:00.004-05:00

Well, Linda found her Mary statue. I added some lattice to hide the air conditioning unit and the natural gas meter as well as a 4x4 border on the front edge of the garden. I also gave up on the waterfall feature. It was leaking too much water off the side of the rocks and causing a muddy mess.

Linda planted her 2 small flower boxes and we have plated 3 plants that we already given to us.

The goldfish seems to be fairing well. I believe that we have not lost any at this point (its tough to tell for sure as the don't stay still long enough to get a perfect count).

We are really looking forward to seeing everyone on Sunday.

2008-05-08T20:46:00.005-05:00

The Gray Twins Memorial Garden Planting

Date: May 25th, 2008

Time: 1:00 pm until 7:00 pm
There will be a short prayer service at 2:00 pm

Place: 7307 Manor Road
Crystal Lake, IL 60014
(815) 356-6528
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=42.222225,-88.291476&ie=UTF8&ll=42.222225,-88.291476&spn=0.010519,0.019999&z=16

In honor of our little angels, Shane & Ian, we will be planting a memorial garden (see Garden Details below).

We invite you to stop by and join us.

Please do not feel obligated to do anything other than stop by at some point between 1:00 pm and 7:00 pm and visit for a little while.

Dress is casual.
If you want to bring flowers to plant, bring them.
If you want to do some of the actual planting, you are welcome.
If you bring flowers to plant and do not wish to plant them yourselves, we can plant them for you.
If you just want to visit with us, that is just fine as well.
There will snacks throughout the day. You are welcome to bring some to share as well.
Kids are welcome to come & play in the yard.

Garden Details:

The garden is 12' x 15' (see picture in my May 8th blog posting, http://7307manor.blogspot.com).
Except for the 2 small flower boxes (which are reserved for Linda), we would like to stick to perennials.
The lattice in the back is approximately 15' x 4' and we hope to populate that will some nice climbing perennials.

2008-05-08T20:41:00.004-05:00

Ok, it looks like we have everything nailed down now. I did do a little more work on the garden. Linda is still looking for a Virgin Mary statue to go just to the left of the pond. We added some goldfish to the pond. Not sure how well they will do but since they were only 23 cents each, it seemed worth the risk.

My next post will contain the invitation that will also be sent out to most of you. Those who do not get the invite via email, please don't be offended. It is most likely that we do not have you email address.

2008-05-01T16:16:00.002-05:00

Added some more features to the garden today. Gabriella picked out the statue. She said it looked like her brothers. I picked out the bench. Linda is looking to find a nice Mary statue that we will add just to the left of the pond.

We have nailed down the date to May 25th. It will be an open house from noon until 7 pm. More details to follow...

2008-04-26T18:15:00.004-05:00

Pond is now finished. The cascade feature (which ended up being more of a fountain) was a real beast to get working right. Water just wants to flow where it wants, not where I want it to. Go figure. ;-)

Overall, I am pleased with it.

2008-04-26T15:49:00.002-05:00

Ok, I wasn't completely satisfied with the pond. I got a bunch of flagstones from my Mom's house and put them around the edge to cover the edge of the pond liner. I also built up with will be the water cascade feature (on right). I just have to get some tubing to run the from the pump up into the rocks. Hopefully, if all goes right, I will also be getting some top soil today to spread around the area to finish out the rough garden.

We are still solidifying plans for May 25th. We will likely have more information after Sunday. Sunday is Greek Easter so we will be visiting with my Mom's side of the family and want to make sure that most are available that day.

2008-04-23T20:13:00.005-05:00

Well, we built the pond for the Twins Memorial Garden today. The pond kit (60 gallons) was from Home Depot. All the surrounding rocks were from our property. Gabriella did a lot of washing of the rocks that we dug up to make them look nice.

We will be adding top soil to the surrounding area over the next week or two in preparation for planting. I am a bit torn between leaving the fountain or adding a waterfall feature to the pond.

We have tentatively set the date for the Memorial Garden plating and the memorial service. It will be Sunday, May 25th. The open house/planting will likely be from 10 am until 7 pm with the memorial service sometime in the middle. I think we will probably have some food on hand throughout the day (probably donuts in the morning and hotdogs/burgers/snacks in the afternoon/evening).

Save the date. More information to follow...

2008-04-22T22:51:00.004-05:00

Well, its been nearly half a year now. I think I am handling things a little better (most of the time). I think Linda is doing a little worse being close to what would have been the original due date.

We are now solidifying plans for the memorial garden. We are considering sometime during the Memorial Day weekend. The event will likely be an all day, open house sort of thing. We will probably have some type of short memorial service at some point during the day. Otherwise, we will be planting flowers and probably doing a lot of hugging/crying. It will be casual and we will likely have some food on hand.

I know that this has a particularly hard thing to deal with. Many of you have expressed sadness that you never got to 'meet' either of the boys. I sincerely apologize that we did not have an actual funeral service. We just couldn't bear it. We were far too emotionally spent from the whole ordeal. It is my hope that in building a permanent memorial will help provide some closure (us included) for everyone as well as provide a beautiful and lasting memory of the twins.

2008-02-12T08:22:00.003-06:00

As we have been going through this very painful grieving process, I have learned a few things that I would like to share.

Because I understand that the death of a child is incredibly tough on everyone (not just the immediate family), I understand how some people may not say the 'right' thing in such a time of loss. And even though I have now been through such losses, if I were to have to comfort another bereaved parent, I would have trouble knowing what to say that would help. That said, I do have a few guidelines:

Things to say to a bereaved parent:

"I am so very sorry." - This is short, sweet and to the point, and the best in my opinion.
"I can't imagine what you re going through." - This is the most truthful statement that anyone can say to a bereaved parent.
Nothing, just give a good, long, firm hug. - This might be the best 'thing to say'.

Things NOT to say to a bereaved parent:

"God has a plan." - This offers absolutely no solace. What possible plan could he have that would include taking children away from their loving parents? Sometimes, maybe, God just doesn't have a 'plan'.
"God never gives us more than we can handle." - Does that somehow mean that those of us that are stronger must suffer more? Many people commit suicide because they couldn't handle what they were 'given'.
"God is testing you." - What possible reason would a loving God need to put someone through this type of test?!?! Did we pass?!?!
"At least you still have your other child(ren)." - One child is not a 'replacement' for another. A parent loves all their children.

NOTE: If you happened to say any of the 'NOT to say' list to us, PLEASE do not be offended or feel bad. We know that you were trying to comfort us and we do appreciate the effort.

Some advice for bereaved parents (& I pray that you will never need this):

Don't be afraid to talk about the child you lost.
Don't try to 'forget'. Your child should never be forgotten and it won't work anyways.
Cry often. It's okay and it does help.
Don't forget about your spouse. They are grieving as well and need comfort too.
Don't let your spouse forget about you either.
There is no time table on when you will be over your loss. You will never be completely over it but it will get better. Don't try to rush it and don't let people rush you.
Don't second guess medical decisions that you made for your child. It won't change the outcome.
Don't wonder what you did wrong to deserve this. If God did dole out punishment on Earth, there would be no need for our justice system.
Have something tangible to remember your child (like our teddy bear urns).
It is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It doesn't feel like that at first but it will as time goes on.

My personal grieving process:

Shane's & Ian's cremated remains are now safely tucked away in their angel teddy bears. We (Linda, the girsl, & I) all hug the bears daily.
I look at Ian's picture and watch a video of Shane every day.
I talk to them both everyday to tell them how much I love and miss them.
I talk to my Dad everyday and ask him to make sure they know how much I love them and to take good care of them for me.
I regularly ask God for a reason why. On occasion, I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this.
I break down and cry at least once every day. Seems like mid-afternoon is the worst time for this. I have no idea why.
Every week, I am reminded about just how many lives my boys touched by all the mass requests and donations to worthy causes made in their honor.

While everyone grieves in their own way, I hope that in sharing this, I can help others in similar situations and thus make the loss of my boys have some greater purpose.

2007-12-31T19:24:00.000-06:00

We got some pictures, from the hospital staff, in the mail today. This was the first & last time I ever got to actually hold Shane.

I also picked up Shane's cremated remains today.

2007-12-28T11:07:00.000-06:00

As a few people have inquired about the following:

Funeral - We will not be having a funeral for Shane. Like with Ian's remains, Shane's are being cremated. While we are not yet sure what will ultimately do with the cremated remains, I have ordered 2 of the angel teddy bear urns (left) to store the cremated remains for now.

Donations - For anyone interested in making any donations on behalf of Shane & Ian, we do not have any preference on a particular charity. Please make the donation to a cause that is dear to your heart as that will honor our boys the most.

Memorial Garden - Sometime in the spring we will be planting the Twins Memorial Garden in back of our home. When we get a date nailed down, I will share it here for those who might want to participate. We will likely be holding a small memorial service at that time as well.

2007-12-25T20:39:00.000-06:00

Ok, since I am not a believer in coincidence, I want to share this story from tonight. I was looking at a computer program called Stellarium (freeware night sky renderer, very cool, you can get it here) to see where Mars currently was. I had remembered hearing something that Mars would be pretty bright for a few days and thought I'd show it to Gabriella. We were able to look east out our picture window and see the moon and Mars. Gabriella was curious about the other stars that she saw. I changed a setting on the program to show the names and outlines of the constellations so I could show Gabriella. After looking at the program, I noticed that Gemini, the twins, was located right between the moon and Mars, nearly straight out our window. I called Linda over right away to see too. Since we don't follow the movements of the constellations, we are convinced that Shane & Ian were telling us that they were okay.

Once again, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and support throughout this ordeal. It is appreciated.

2007-12-25T04:12:00.000-06:00

Shane left this world at approximately 1:45 am this morning. He died peacefully in my arms. I'm sure he is already playing with Grandpa and his brother.

Yes, we are heart-broken but we do know that we did the right thing by letting him go. We are going to try to continue to have a Merry Christmas with our girls.

2007-12-25T00:12:00.000-06:00

I am back at the hospital. Shane's vitals are fluctuating badly now. His heart rate has been falling steadily. At this point, there is a very good likelyhood that he has severe brain damage. I have spoken to Linda and we are going to go ahead and remove the support for him. If God wants him here on Earth, he will grant us a miracle. If not, I will hold him until he joins his brother in Heaven.

2007-12-24T21:52:00.000-06:00

Well, Linda called the hospital tonight and Shane has taken a turn for the worse. He oxygen levels are low again and now his abdomen is further distended. The surgeon would like to try to alleviate some of the swelling but feel that he is too unstable right now.

I will be heading back to the hospital in a little bit (once the girls are asleep).

2007-12-24T15:00:00.000-06:00

Test results (blood gases, x-ray, and head ultrasound) came back and everything looks good now and Shane is stable again. We are going to go home for now to celebrate Christmas with Linda's family.

2007-12-24T13:47:00.000-06:00

We are at the hospital now. Linda's parents, along with Gabriella and Isabella, came with us. Shane is miraculously doing better. The nurse said that about 1 pm his vitals signs stabilized. They hadn't done anything further (mainly because there wasn't anything left to try). They did take an x-ray of Shane's belly as it looked distended. We are waiting to hear what they say. Gabriella got to meet her brother finally. She just keeps talking about how tiny he is. Linda is in with her mother visiting Shane right now while the rest of us sit (in the girls' case, playing) in the NICU Family Room.

2007-12-24T11:36:00.000-06:00

The doctor just called. Shane is really struggling today. They have everything maxed out and they still can't keep his oxygen levels up. He is seriously in peril right now. We are going to head into the hospital soon. We are taking Gabriella with us so she can meet her brother. We don't think Isabella will really understand so Linda's parents are coming over to care for her.

2007-12-23T17:17:00.000-06:00

We would like to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Also, since we tend to neglect to say it (& can't possibly say it enough), thank you all so very much for your continued prayers and support. It is appreciated.

2007-12-23T16:55:00.000-06:00

Linda talked to the nurse today. Shane was again having a not so good day. They were able to sedate him again to get his oxygen levels to stabilize. His blood pressure was down a bit also so they had to increase the dopamine. Just to clarify (I think I mentioned this in an earlier post), this is considered "normal" for an extremely premature infant. Right now, the doctors and nurses are basically trying to keep Shane stable and growing, using the the least amount of medicine possible, until his lungs, heart, and other organs can develop further. If the nasty weather here stops tonight, I will run over to the hospital tomorrow morning and visit Shane.

On a personal note, it doesn't feel at all like Christmas to us. We got our present early but we won't get to bring him home until March or April (if all goes right). We probably won't even get to hold him for another month or so. Luckily, the girls still managed to get in the Christmas spirit so it helps a bit.

2007-12-22T22:22:00.000-06:00

Linda & I visited Shane tonight. He was doing okay and looked really good (picture - video). The doctor and nurse said that he had a rough day today and was again having trouble keeping his oxygen level up. He was pretty stable by the time we got there. Santa visited him the other day (picture) and brought him gifts. Santa also left a couple gifts for Shane's sisters.

2007-12-21T13:13:00.000-06:00

Visited Shane again this morning. He had yet another good night. Vital signs looked good. They were giving him glucose and calcium since both levels were a little low. He was still very feisty and looked a little better.

Latest Video

I also picked up Ian's cremated remains on the way back from the hospital today. Not yet sure what we are going to do with them. Thinking about getting this urn. Talk about mixed emotions...

2007-12-20T09:38:00.000-06:00

Had my morning visit with Shane again. He had another really good night. His oxygen level was very good & his bruises and abrasions are healing up nicely. He was very active too (see video here). They were giving him some calcium today as tests showed that he was low. This kind of thing is very normal. How it was explained to me is that the doctors are basically trying to mimic nature. If Shane was still in the womb, it would be likely that Linda would be craving ice cream or cheese today. Since they can't sense what baby needs like a mother's body would, doctors have to rely on regular blood tests.

Note: Some people have mentioned that they could not view this type of video. If you have that problem, it can be remedied by going to http://www.divx.com/divx/windows/download/index.php and getting the free download. Once you have downloaded and run the install, you can install everything (it is safe) or you can install only the DivX Codec and the DivX Web Player.

2007-12-19T08:19:00.000-06:00

I visited Shane again this morning & dropped off the tape recordings of Mommy and sister. The nurse will play it for him later. He had another good night. His blood oxygen levels are good and stable even after they decreased the oxygen t0 86%. They also were lowering the dopamine dose this morning as his blood pressure was also stable. Shane also gained a little weight bringing him back to about his birth weight. He was also started sucking on his ventilator tube. This is good because he is picking up the instinct he'll need for feeding and also because he is using the tube to pacify himself instead of it being an annoyance.

2007-12-18T20:19:00.000-06:00

Linda talked to our favorite nurse tonight, Roshina. She said that Shane's oxygen level had been stable all day. He is still on 100% oxygen but they have decreased the bicarbs and the sedation. Sorry, for the jargon but it helps me keep track. Basically, he had a much, much better day today.

I will be visiting Shane again tomorrow morning. I will be taking a tape recording of Gabriella telling stories and talking to her brother. If Linda gets the chance, the other side of the tape will have her singing on it.

2007-12-18T08:58:00.001-06:00

I visited Shane again this morning. He was still critical but stable. They have him on a mild sedative, hoping that relaxing him might help his breathing. The nurse said that Shane's oxygen level was stable and all was pretty quiet throughout the night. He was still pretty feisty even sedated.

One additional note, and I didn't understand what it meant until I looked it up. The echocardiogram yesterday also showed that Shane also has a condition known as patent ductus arteriosus (I won't try to explain, here's what it means). If they can keep him stable, they will likely try to treat this with medication. If that doesn't work, a small surgery would be required.

2007-12-17T17:23:00.000-06:00

Shane remained critical but stable so we returned home and rested for several hours.

Linda talked to one of the doctors just a little bit ago. The ultrasound of Shane's brain again showed no bleeding. The echocardiogram showed he was suffering from pulminary hypertension and from what I understand, that is somewhat normal and is caused by the lungs squeezing the heart, which is caused by the respirator. He is still having some difficulty maintaining a stabile oxygen level.

I did take another photo this morning after he stabilized:

Photo

2007-12-17T05:14:00.000-06:00

It appears that the latest treatment has helped and Shane is stabilized. Linda & I will be waiting in the NICU Family Lounge for the results of the ultrasound and echocardiogram. Those will not be done until around 10 am. That will give us a much better idea on how Shane is handling this.

One positive note, while Shane was in distress, his heart never stopped beating. The doctor and nurse both said this was good since almost always, in these circumstances, it does. I continue to hold onto hope.

No one, & I mean NO ONE, should ever have to go through anything like this. These are the times when you begin to question absolutely everything. And if there's a higher purpose to all this, I can't imagine what that could be.

2007-12-17T02:44:00.000-06:00

We got the dreaded middle of the night call just after midnight. Shane's oxygen level was staying too low. As we were preparing to go to the hospital, the doctor called back saying that it had stabilized. We decided to head in anyways. Since we got here, his oxygen level has been up and down. They are trying one last treatment to try to get him stabilized. If that works, they will do an echocardiogram and possibly and ultrasound on his brain in the morning. This should help us decide whether to continue treatment or let Shane join his brother.

2007-12-16T21:27:00.000-06:00

Saturday, we braved the snow to visit with Shane. He looked better. The nurses said he was doing good. They also said that the final results from the ultrasound from the other day showed no bleeding. Shane no longer had the mask over his eyes. I forgot my camera but I did manage to take some pictures and videos with my phone. I heard that some people had trouble viewing the last video so this one is in a slightly different format.

Photo 1
Photo 2
Video

Today, Linda again talked to the nurse. Shane was having a bit of breathing difficulty so they had to up the oxygen level. On the plus side, they stopped giving him dopamine to keep his blood pressure up.

Later in the night, one of the doctors called to discuss things further. That doctor made things sound a lot worse and said they would call if things got critical. The doctor seem to make Linda feel guilty that we weren't there. I will be there in the wee hours tomorrow morning and will find out more of what is going on.

Just to clarify, if you have never been through this sort of thing, no one could possibly sit there all day, every day without going absolutely insane from the worry. The doctors and nurses are trying to mimic nature and that takes constant effort. Add to that the fact that parents must still go to work and/or take care of other children and it makes being there all the time logistically impossible.

What I believe happened was that this doctor who we hadn't met did not understand that we know the danger Shane is in and that they lack the bedside manner that the other doctors we talked to have. Shane has been considered critical but stable since about a 1/2 hour after he was born. From what I've heard, this is totally normal for premature babies.

2007-12-14T10:26:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Shane had an ultrasound on his brain to check for bleeding. Full results were not back yet but initial results look like there is little or no bleeding. All vital signs are still looking good and he is very active.

This morning, I visited Shane for about an hour before work. I took a picture and a short video. WARNING: since he has his eyes covered and a lot of wires/tubes in & around him, I have opted not to post these directly on this page as some people may find it disturbing. If you are interested in viewing these, click the links below:

Video
Picture

One thing to remember, and this makes seeing him with the tubes/wires easier for me, is that the tubes/wires are helping him and eventually will come off.

2007-12-13T13:56:00.000-06:00

Linda called the NICU this morning and they said that Shane was still progressing very nicely. I can't wait to visit him tomorrow morning. Being an hour away makes it very nerve wrecking. I spent half the night tossing and turning, hoping for the phone NOT to ring. I think Linda did too. In Shane's case, generally, no news is good news. Boy, this is going to be a long few months.

2007-12-12T21:54:00.001-06:00

Another thing that we got today was pictures of Ian. This is the best one and, by far, my favorite. He actually was gripping my finger too. I do so miss him already.

I hope to have some pictures (maybe video) of Shane to post soon. His may actually seem a bit disturbing because of his breathing tubes and the other tubes/wires on him.

Also, for everyone who have posted comments or have contacted Linda or I directly, I apologize that we have not had a chance to respond. We very much appreciate everyone's well wishes and thank you all for your continued prayers.

2007-12-12T20:52:00.000-06:00

Linda & I are back home tonight. It is obviously a bit bittersweet as I cannot just hop down a floor to visit Shane but I did miss my girls.

When I stopped in to see Shane earlier today, he was still holding his own. He does a lot of moving around when Linda or I talk to him. I am planning to spend a lot of early mornings (before work) with him. Gabriella will be reading stories and talking to Shane through tape recordings which I will take with me. She was very upset that she will not be able to visit him.

One huge downer today is that I had to arrange taking care of Ian's remains. We opted for cremation. We will not have an organized ceremony. We are thinking about creating a special garden of perennials in back of our home in memory of Ian in the spring.

2007-12-11T21:44:00.000-06:00

I have changed the name of this blog to "Shane's Fight for Survival". While I don't in any way want to diminish the loss of our little Ian, our battle is no longer against TTTS but for Shane's survival. The link to the blog will remain the same.

2007-12-11T18:13:00.000-06:00

Shane is still showing improvement. Even though he was on the ventilator, it looked like he was trying to take deep breaths on his own pretty often. Obviously, he has a very long way to go. They said that they rarely have babies that young in the NICU here. I think everyone is amazed that he is doing as well as he is. Like I said, we have a long road ahead but we are feeling good about his chances. When we went down to see him earlier today, he was really active when Momma sang to him. The nurse told Linda that she had the voice of an angel. Of course, she never heard Linda yell or nag. Not so angelic then. ;-)

Linda is doing better today too. If everything goes right, she might be released tomorrow. If all goes right, Shane will likely be here until March.

2007-12-11T09:55:00.000-06:00

I sat with Shane for about 2 hours last night. He was doing much better. He is in no way out of the woods and won't be for quite awhile but there are some encouraging signs. His night nurse is a absolute angel who has already taken to calling him her "sweet pea". Linda & I went down to see him this morning and he was still progressing positively. He is so tiny and cute. He is feisty too. He even seems to get mad when the nurse or doctor poke and prod him. Linda is resting now. She lost a bit of blood and got quite a bit anemic from the delivery. I am at home (braving the freezing rain) for a brief period of time to hug the girls and shower & change clothes.

One story that I neglected on the last post was the details of the delivery. Just before 7 pm last night, Linda all of a sudden began to feel something (which turned out to be Ian) in the birth canal. The only people in the room was Linda, the nurse, & me. The nurse looked and saw that Ian was coming out all on his own. She quickly paged the OB staff and the NICU staff and then pretty much delivered Ian herself. Within less than a minute, there must have been 20 people in the room. The nurse handed Ian off to the NICU unit to evaluate while the OB staff delivered Shane. Pretty much the rest is in the previous post.

2007-12-11T00:51:00.000-06:00

Well, the boys came at about 7 pm. Sweet little Ian was in really bad shape and there was nothing they could do for him. We held him until he passed away. He was absolutely beautiful. We felt him move and I swear he even smiled at me. I'm sure he and Grandpa are playing already. The NICU crew took Shane away pretty quick. We did see him for a minute and he is beautiful too. We got to see him later in the NICU (I am going back down there after this to spend some quality time with him, pass the old pigskin or something ;-). He is struggling to get enough oxygen. The next 24 hours are critical.

2007-12-10T17:31:00.000-06:00

Linda is still in labor. Contractions are coming on much harder and quicker now. We are waiting for the doctor to check dialation again. Everyone here has been so nice.

2007-12-10T15:47:00.000-06:00

Things are progressing very slowly. Of course, thats the same as with both our girls. The local priest came to visit us and he agreed that it would take a true miracle for the boys to survive. I told him I'd phone the Vatican myself if that happened. He said he would be around to bless and if necessary baptize the boys. The waiting, not knowing, is definitely the hardest part.

2007-12-10T08:47:00.000-06:00

Linda is still in labor. It is progressing very slowly as it did with each of the girls. She is resting relatively comfortably right now. Talked to the doctor again this morning. The boys chances for survival are astronomically small. They will be absolutely tiny.

I think Linda has already begun the grieving process. I continue to cling to hope for a miracle. It is the Christmas season which is pretty much the end all be all in times for baby miracles.

2007-12-10T05:15:00.000-06:00

Well, we are sitting in the delivery room at Lutheran General Hospital. Linda was not feeling right so the doc had her come in to get checked. Her water has broken, she is having contractions and is starting to dialate. We are right on the edge of 24 weeks (viability) and it looks like this is it. Linda is resting a bit thanks to some pain medication. We had a visit from the NICU doc about what to expect. The specialist also visited. They are going to give Linda an epideral and induce labor. It does look very bleak but I refuse to give up hope. Whether here or in Heaven, I will always love my sons,Shane & Ian.

2007-12-05T15:35:00.000-06:00

Week 23 - We had our weekly doctor visit today. The boys are still hanging in there. They're still growing and have been very active lately. Linda's been having more cravings and generally feeling more like she's having a normal pregnancy, other than not being able to do anything. The doctor sounded a bit more optimistic today. I think that he has been expecting Ian's condition to start deteriorating by now and is a little amazed that he is still developing okay. I'm not surprised. They are my boys so they're probably just a wee bit stubborn and probably have some authority issues.

2007-11-28T16:37:00.001-06:00

We had a follow-up with the doctor that we like at Lutheran General today. Not a whole lot has changed. The boys did both grow a bit. Shane is the right size and everything looks pretty good. Ian is about 2 weeks behind and still has very little fluid surrounding him. Both were active during the ultrasound. Both heartbeats were good. The doctor talked to us again about our options. Barring any severe change, at this point, Linda & I have decided again that we will NOT take any steps that would straight out sacrifice Ian to possibly save Shane. The doctor was actually fine with our decision and said he didn't know how he would handle it himself. One nice thing was that while he gave us the options, he didn't just 'write off' Ian as some of the others did. Also, he was cautiously (very cautiously) encouraged that both were growing and heartbeats & cord flow looked good. We will begin seeing the doctor and having ultrasounds weekly. We have 8 weeks to hit the 'magic' 30 week mark. I've mentioned the 30 weeks previously but never explained. This is pretty much at the point where premature babies fair very well and are at a substantially lower risk. Every week after that is gravy.

2007-11-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

Linda saw her regular OB today. On the positive side, the boys looked better (not good yet, but better) in the ultrasound. They even saw a bit of fluid in Ian's bladder. We had not seen that before. He still has dangerously little amniotic fluid surrounding him. Linda is also feeling a lot better. In fact, I had to tell her not to do a couple things around the house today. I think its making her a bit stir crazy to not be able to do her normal stuff. On the negative side, Linda's regular OB said that she cannot handle the delivery if the boys come pre-term. We weren't really surprised at that. We will have to go back to the doctors at Lutheran General just in case. We will not plan on seeing the one particular doctor that we were less than happy with. Also, one of Linda's regular OB's partners told her that there is no way that the pregnancy will make it past 30 weeks (which seems to be a magic number with the docs we talked to) so we need to be prepared for our boys being born dangerously pre-mature. This ticked off Linda a bit. Of course, this is the same partner who said that Linda was going to mis-carry when she was pregnant with Isabella (our 2 year old). Linda even reminded her of that.

I am getting very amazed (and very exasperated) with the extreme differences in the levels of optimism/pessimism in the medical field. We understand the severity of what is going on with our boys but we don't need to be told that there is basically no hope. While their little hearts are still beating and they are still developing, hope remains.

2007-11-19T22:37:00.000-06:00

Linda is doing much better today. She has much less pain and is less tired. She has an appointment and ultrasound with her regular OB/GYN on Wednesday (I don't have the time yet). I think her doc wants to get a sort of baseline on Linda and the twins so she can monitor everything going forward.

I had a chance to scan the ultrasound from when Linda was in the hospital. Thought I would add it in so everyone could see.

2007-11-19T01:00:00.000-06:00

We are back home again. Linda is resting more comfortably. Now, its just a matter of waiting, hoping, and praying. Linda will remain on bedrest until the boys are born. I will go back to work tomorrow. My mom and Linda's mom will be taking turns helping with the kids.

An additional note that I forgot to add to my Friday post, before leaving the hospital, we spoke to the specialist in Cincinnati about our decision not to go forward with the laser surgery (Selective Fetoscopic Laser Photocoagulation). Based on Linda's near pre-term labor and the risks involved, the doctor agreed with the decision. He said that Shane would still have a 60% chance but wouldn't give any "numbers" on Ian's chances. He also mentioned that the doctor at Lutheran General has a "bit of a communication problem". We told him that we did not wish to go back to them (see earlier post). He called Linda's regular OB/GYN, Dr. Dohr, and discussed her handling the pregnancy and delivery from here on out. We feel a lot more comfortable with her anyways. She delivered both our girls.

2007-11-17T23:09:00.000-06:00

The 2 1/2 hour drive, from Shelbyville, IN to Merrillville, IN, took a lot out of Linda today. She was feeling pretty rundown when we got into the hotel. We got Outback Steakhouse to go and that, and some Ensure High Protein, seemed to help her quite a bit. She is resting pretty well at the moment. She's very anxious to get back home, as am I.

2007-11-16T21:08:00.000-06:00

We are in a hotel room in Shelbyville, IN. Linda is resting relatively comfortably, in a nice king-size bed. We will hopefully drive 2+ hours tomorrow and stop for the night in Merrillville, IN.

I keep thinking that mid-March seems such a long way away.

2007-11-16T12:48:00.000-06:00

Good news, we had the echocardiogram this morning and Shane's heart is still looking good (not perfect but good and better than last time). Also, Linda is doing quite a bit better and will be discharged today.

We will be travelling back today. We are going to take it slow and stop just south of Indianapolis tonight. We want to get Linda into a comfortable bed tonight.

2007-11-15T23:35:00.000-06:00

Throughout the night, Linda has had quite a bit of pain, along with some contractions. On positive notes, there is much less amniotic fluid leaking and the babies heartbeats are still strong. The echocardiogram tomorrow morning should give us a pretty good idea on whether there is anything further to worry about. Linda also started eating a bit more today. Right now, a lot of the problem is just trying to make her comfortable enough to truly rest. She is getting morphine when needed but hospital beds suck. I am pretty sure that those, along with bedpans, were designed during the Spanish Inquisition. Watching Linda suffer through this, I am convinced that we are looking at the right choice not to go forward with the Selective Fetoscopic Laser Photocoagulation (laser surgery). The last week has been extremely tough on her physically and emotionally.

Anyone who knows me very well will likely realize just how extremely difficult this decision is for me. I am a bit of a fanatic about the safety and security of my family. In respect to those, I always like to take any planning/action that might stack the odds of protecting them from harm in my favor. To leave things purely to the will of God, is very hard for me to do. It's not that I don't have faith, I do. I have experienced some truly amazing, unexplainable things (& no, not during my couple college years.) In fact, it is my faith that tells me that God has given me the brains & skills to protect my family. I like to compare it to the story below (probably most have heard before):

There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here.

Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope, grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"

To me, God's hand often works through doctors and medicine. To set that aside and to go on what some may call blind faith, is not something I ever do.

All that said, I cannot, in good conscience, help make a decision that will have Linda go through an invasive procedure with this pregnancy. Instead, we will continue to hope and pray for a miracle.

2007-11-15T17:41:00.000-06:00

Linda is doing much better today. The contractions have gotten much less frequently and much less intense. Less and less amniotic fluid is leaking out. We had an ultrasound this morning and both boys were moving around a bit and their hearts were beating along. There didn't appear to be any noticeable changes in the levels of amniotic fluid in either sac. Would have been nice if Ian fluid level was increasing but we'll take what we can get at this point. They will be doing another echocardiogram tomorrow morning to assess the boys' hearts. The doc said that the laser surgery might be an option again if Linda stabilizes enough. He did say that there would still be an increased risk on pre-term labor. We are seriously concerned about putting Linda through this again. We are leaning toward not doing further treatment, going home (once they release her), keep Linda on bedrest, and hoping for the best. It's a tough decision and as much as we want to give our boys the best chance possible, we cannot increase the risk the girls not having their Mommy. That said, we are NOT giving up on the boys. There is still hope. The odds against them become worse but becoming pregnant with identical twins while on birth control are some pretty long odds too.

2007-11-15T05:00:00.000-06:00

Still no real change in Linda's condition. I somehow manage to cling to hope when all logic dictates there is none.

Earlier in the evening, while Linda was resting, I decided to walk back to Cincinnati Childrens hospital to bring my car over (we rode here in an ambulance). It was only a mile or some according to the map. Well, turned out that the mile was all uphill and the walk was punishing. As I neared Cincinnati Childrens Hospital, it began to rain a little, it had been threatening to rain all day. The rain felt strangely warm like Heaven itself was crying. Of course, were that the case, based on what I saw, it would be raining constantly outside the children's hospital. Man, how the staff manages to come into work every day amazes me. They are far better human beings than I could ever hope to be.

2007-11-14T18:15:00.000-06:00

We are now in room in the materity ward. Still no real change in Linda's or the babies conditions.

2007-11-14T17:30:00.000-06:00

Just finished talking to the specialist. He doesn't believe that Linda is in labor. What he thinks happened is that some amniotic fluid leaked out and after the amniocentesis, that gather in a pool in the uterus and worked its way out this morning. They are going to keep her here until they think she's stable enough to travel. The laser surgery is off the table since they think it will likely cause much more risk to Linda than originally thought. We are waiting for Linda to be moved to a regular room.

2007-11-14T16:30:00.000-06:00

Doctor just finished a quick ultrasound. Both boys are still alive and kicking (especially Shane was actually kicking a bit). As far as amniotic sac fluid levels, to me, they looked the same as yesterday. The doc has put Linda on an IV and given her medicine to relax the uterus and stop the contractions. We are still awaiting the specialist for our options, if any.

2007-11-14T16:00:00.000-06:00

Still waiting for the doctor but Linda appears to be in labor. Her water does appear to have broken and contractions are increasing. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of utter helplessness that I have. This is a so much different feeling than when my daughters were born. When people say they can't imagine what this is like, they are right. I also feel anger. I have nothing to direct that anger at but I feel it.

2007-11-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

We arrived at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital around noon today. We were going to have lunch before out appointment. Linda was feeling ready strange so we went up to the clinic right away. She is leaking amniotic fluid and going into premature labor. We are devastated. We have been moved to Good Samartitan Hospital's materity triage, also in Cincinnati. It looks very likely that we will lose both boys. We are waiting for the doctor's evaluation.

2007-11-14T00:50:00.000-06:00

This morning, we meet with one of the doctors at Lutheran General for a follow-up ultrasound. She was very concerned about the health of Ian (as was her partner). Actually, she basically 'wrote off' Ian already. Strike 1! She also wanted to know why the Cincinnati doctors didn't do the laser surgery. After discussing the disconnect between her and the Cincinnati doctors with her, Linda and I came to the conclusion that she has let her ego get in the way of patient health. Strike 2! She had suggested that we go to Cincinnati with the express intent that they would do the laser procedure. Of course, she never actually discussed treatment with them (she admitted to never actually talking to them) so I'm not sure why she would have thought that. Also, she made a couple snide remarks about how many tests they did and that she could have done the amnioreduction herself before sending us there. Strike 3! To put it nicely, the bitch, oops did I say that out loud, pissed us off big time. With any luck, we will not be having to deal with her much in the future. She did agree to us coming back to Cincinnati to take treatment to the next step, which is almost assuredly laser surgery.

As I now sit in our hotel room in Cincinnati, I (as well as Linda) refuse to sacrifice Ian to save Shane. It is a choice that we cannot make. Besides the obvious fact that he's my son, no one has said that Ian has any serious birth defects that would lead me to believe that he is better off not being born. We can go ahead with the laser surgery (which is actually called Selective Fetoscopic Laser Photocoagulation) which will essentially disjoin their fates (meaning if one dies, the other likely will not, about 80%). With this procedure, the likelyhood of both surviving is about 60%. Without treatment, the likelyhood of either surviving is just about 0%. I hate talking in statistics when talking about my boys but in some ways it helps to pull me away from the purely emotional side of this and helps me decide the course of action to take.

Linda & I have talked on the trip down and agreed that we will try the Selective Fetoscopic Laser Photocoagulation if the docs suggest it. That will effectively end treatment options. At that point, the boys are in God's hands. Linda is really scared to have any further surgery (she's been through too much in her life already) but refuses to give up on our boys. She truly is my hero and my best friend.

2007-11-12T23:23:00.000-06:00

Well, while we are still waiting for more tests with the local doctor tomorrow and the Cincinnati team on Wednesday, we are feeling much more optimistic. Linda is feeling much better and the complaints she has now are consistant with her complaints the times she was pregnant with our girls. Also, she felt the babies kicking a couple times tonight. I actually got to feel one kick. I think it was from Shane. Logic tells me that these are good signs but we will wait to hear from the experts before getting too excited.

2007-11-10T01:00:00.000-06:00

Here are a few very personal notes that I would like to share. I hope that this may help others.

I am tired and overwhelmed. I have not even had a chance to slow down to get my head all the way around this. I have driven nearly 1000 miles this week and will likely drive nearly 1000 miles next week. We don't have the luxury of time. The faster we act, the better chances our boys have. Time is against us. Indecision and delay, close allies of the enemy, and this a battle we've vowed to win.

I have cried and prayed more this week than I have done in years. This is my family whom I love and would die for. At other times, I have also choked back those tears to calm my wife's fears and even sometimes my own.

I feel extremely helpless, helpless to protect my wife and sons from this threat. I cannot grab it, punch it , kick it. I cannot take the pain for my wife and despite anyone saying otherwise (they say we men only say this because we can't), I would gladly take that pain, and then some (and then some more).

I also feel guilt. When I found out about the twins, instead of focusing on the joy of it, I let myself get bogged down in worry about money, space, things. Stupid, material things. No matter the outcome, I have been (re-)taught a very valuable lesson about what's really important.

Hope is a thin, slippery beam that we walk over a pool of despair. It is easy to slip and fall. We must continue to climb back up out of the pool, get back on that beam, and fight like hell to stay there.

2007-11-10T00:30:00.000-06:00

Note: To all who have sent me messages offering help, for right now, prayers (lots of them) will do. Linda will be on 'modified bed rest' for the remainder of the pregnancy. This means she can move around but not really do anything but rest. We will definitely need help before March but what exactly that will be, we don't know yet.

This morning, the doctor at Lutheran General Hospital performed the amnioreduction. Linda immediately noticed an extreme decrease in pain. We could see from the running ultrasound during the procedure that the placenta had been compressed and it expanded out to normal afterwards. This should help normalize the blood flow to both boys which could repair the issue. We spent about 12 hours at the hospital today. The doctor was very concerned, especially about Ian's heart. We were a bit surprised by this since the doctors in Cincinnati said that it was Shane's heart that was the most in danger. He wants us to come in for an ultrasound on Tuesday (before we travel to Cincinnati) so he can have a look at things. My gut is telling me to keep with the cautious optimism that the Cincinnati doctors had. They deal with 3-4 TTTS patients every day. The Lutheran General doctor deals with several a year. Plus the Cincinnati docs have a ton more data from the hours of tests this week than this doctor has. Additionally, my description of the amnioreduction procedure was slightly incorrect. The "puncture a hole between the 2 babies amniotic sacs (to equalize the volume)" is actually part of another procedure called microseptostomy. That was NOT done today. As Linda went to bed a little while ago, she was feeling no ill effects from the procedure and seemed to be feeling "more like a regular pregnancy". I take these as good signs but my boys are far from out of the woods yet. Even if everything looks perfect next Wednesday, there is still an increased risk on birth defects (mostly neurological and cardiac) and a highly increased risk on premature birth. It will be touch-and-go all the way until March. Keep praying, from what I see, its working.

2007-11-08T16:15:00.000-06:00

We had the last test, an ultrasound, this morning. We meet with the team of doctors this afternoon. Based on all their findings, they have judged the TTTS to be 'Stage 3' but leaning toward 'Stage 2' (if you look at the Fetal Care Center's link, it explains more of what this means) and recommended first trying an amnioreduction, where they basically do an amniocentesis except that they puncture a hole between the 2 babies amniotic sacs (to equalize the volume) and drain a bit of the amniotic fluid from the large sac (reducing pressure on the placenta). This may correct the problem and the doctors think there is a very good chance of saving both boys. If it doesn't work, we will have to take more drastic measures, such as laser surgery, where they separate the placenta in two. We will be driving home tonight and will be having the amnioreduction tomorrow morning at Lutheran General Hospital. Then will be driving back to Cincinnati on Tuesday for an additional echocardiogram on Wednesday. Boy, has this been a whirlwind 'adventure'!

2007-11-07T21:30:00.000-06:00

Note: For further reference, the two boys will be referred to as Shane and Ian (as will be their names, Shane David Gray and Ian George Gray). Shane is the larger of the 2 and is the 'recipient' in terms of TTTS. Ian is the smaller one, the 'donor' in terms of TTTS, and is likely the cause of the back pain that Linda has been experiencing due to the area where he is snuggled into.

Linda had her MRI (well, the boys did) this morning. While we have no good diagnostic information about it yet, the technician did say that they were both moving around a lot during the procedure making it tougher for them to get good 'pictures'. The boys also had an echocardiogram this afternoon. Since its done with an ultrasound machine, we got to get another look at both of the boys. Ian was snuggled up in the fetal position in a very small amniotic sac. Shane was stretched out with his hand behind his head in a large amniotic sac (He looked like he was lounging, watching a football game). Both were pretty active. The echocardiogram was mostly to look at Shane's heart as the recipient baby in TTTS is at a much higher risk of heart problems than the donor baby. Its a strange phenomena as logic would tend to lead us to believe that the recipient baby was likely to be less at risk. Well, after being amused by the boys for about and hour and a half, the doctor told us that his initial assessment (he still has to plow through all the data from the ultrasound tech to make a final assessment) was that both boys' hearts were doing well and looked properly developed. He also said that due to catching this early and on how far along the pregnancy is, it helps our odds of saving both boys quite a bit. We're feeling good right now about the boys' chances. I guess we'll see tomorrow after the ultrasound, consult, and team meeting. Throughout the day, Linda has been still experiencing miserable lower back pain (due to little Ian's position), making me, of course, joke about him already to be a little pain in the a**. One additional item of note, any parent who has never been to a children's hospital, should go once. They will likely go right home and hug their children. Luckily for us (as we are 300+ miles from our girls), this was not our first time. Its humbling to see what some families are going through and makes us feel lucky for what we have and encourages us to strive forward regardless of how tough the process is. We also have resolved to have 2 healthy baby boys. I guess we have to wait an see it God agrees. We remained convinced that Grandpa is helping out in that respect.

2007-11-07T02:49:00.000-06:00

We just arrived in Cincinnati about an hour and a half ago. Traffic through Chicago was terrible. We will be starting the testing process later today to determine on the best course of action. Yes, we are scared sh*tless about the future of our boys. They are both in grave danger of never being born. That said, we remain optimistic but are preparing mentally for any outcome. The Fetal Care Center of Cincinnati is one of the top clinics in dealing with TTTS (Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, you can find a ton of info on the web but its too much to go into what is exactly involved here) and has had major success in saving babies from what, if left untreated has a 100% mortality rate. We also are leaning very heavily on our faith right now. I just have a feeling that Grandpa is causing a bit of a ruckus in Heaven right now. I'm thinking that anyone who could get the railroad to pay him extra for everyday he had to where a tie might just have some luck 'negotiating' with God.